Yesterday...
Western Slope Gazzette- 1/6/10
(reprinted without permission)
A twin-engine Cessna carrying four passengers and a pilot smashed into nearby Mount Rose yesterday killing all five instantly. A witness claimed that he heard the plane flying low and slow overhead and he wondered... supposedly, if the plane was, quoting now, "one of those area 51 aeroplanes that got lost. It smacked that ol' mountain pretty hard! It didn't really explode or nothin', just smack! You know?"WSG has learned that the four passengers were all members of a band called The Zonks. The plane was en-route to Denver although according to their manager Maureen Brantwell their final destination was Chicago. She went on to say, "They were really nice guys. Most people haven't heard of them yet but I am sure that now that they are dead their record sales are going to skyrocket. I know some people are going to wonder if this is just a ploy, trust me on this, it's not. We ruled out a fake plane crash for publicity weeks ago and I doubt the band would have taken it upon themselves to change our marketing strategy. They just aren't that smart anyway. Nah, it was just a plane crash and I had absolutely nothing to do with it... Are you recording this?"
WSG has also learned that one of the Zonks, Stuart Jones, was involved in the infamous "Porterfield Scandal". Mr Jones, who lives near Montrose, successfully sued the LA District Attorney Patrick Porterfield for defamation. Porterfield was later found to have child porn on his computer and subsequently committed suicide.Other members of the band were drummer David Bonner, singer Peter Rollins, and guitarist/songwriter John Preacher aka "Johnny Rocket". We think the pilot's name was Bill, but we aren't sure. If you are missing a Bill please contact the local authorities immediately. .The Best of Zonkfan.com chat (1/7/10)
(reprinted with impunity)
Zonkster909- I can't believe they are dead... omg. Why? Why!
Zonkomanic- I saw them in Phoenix. It was incredible! My mom made me go but boy was I glad she did. I am thinking about postponing committing her now.. in their honor.
Zonkaholic- Phoenix was good but The Paladium was better. If you didn't make the Paladium you weren't a true fan. My opinion only.
Zonkomanic- It's Palladium genius, with two L's. L as in "loser"
Zonkaholic- Gee, way to be there for a brother Zman.
TrueZonkPadawan- Please everyone! The bodies are still warm! Omg!
Zonkster909- Actually, they crashed on an icy mountain TZP. I imagine they were flash-frozen. Possibly even cryongenic quality.
Zonkomanic- Serious 909? Do you think they... you know... might possibly...
TrueZonkPadawan- Omg! Shut up! They are dead! There will not be a sequel! There will not be a "reunion tour"! Quit clowning around!
Zonkster909- Ummm, actually TZP, if their brains did not suffer a lot of trauma, and a quick thinking scientist was monitoring the police band radio....
TrueZonkPadawan- He would necessarily have to be a cryo-biologist, a rocket scientist would not do them much good. What are the odds that a cryo-biologist, with the proper equipment mind you, was monitoring a police band radio, and was within 50 square miles of the crash site!
Zonkomanic- I googled "cryogenics". There is a dry ice company in Denver!
Zonkaholic- And I'm the "loser"... jeez.
Zonkster909- Hey TZP, you talk like you want them to be dead. . . Bastard. Why don't you start a new thread with the other lukewarm pukes.
TrueZonkPadawan- Father Zonk forgive him, for he knows not what he does in his time of mourning... Amen
Zonkster909- What the????? Who the hell is "Father Zonk" TZP? Did the mothership send you some more signals last night?
Zonkaholic- Father Zonk is the ubermuse of the underdog, and the embodiment of the Zonk Spirit. He is the neo-singularity of song, the harmonic hub, and the uniloci of all waveforms. He sits in the heavenly recording studio, constantly adjusting the supreme sub-woofer, tweaking the cosmic tremolo, and meditating on the 108 mudras for the magical mystical metronome. Think..."George Harrison."
Zonkster909- Oh... That Father Zonk. What was I thinking?
Zonkomanic- I think, considering that there is no evidence at all that The Zonks weren't secured by a cryo-biologist immediately after the unfortunate event, we should proceed under the assumption that they are currently being housed at some as of yet unknown location... Probably Utah.
TrueZonkPadawan- Omg! I was just thinking... Probably Utah!
Zonkster909- Yeah, the Mormons are notorious cryo-biologists... Could everyone excuse me while I go douse my Zonk T-shirt with gas and set myself on fire?
Click here to add text.
The Last Interview-
by Mike Medici
Mike Medici: Ok, I'm curious about what contemporary music you like. You mentioned Coldplay in our last interview. Are you Chris Martin fans?
David: Sure, we like him, but he is half a century late. Rock and roll peaked when The Kinks sang You Really Got Me Now in 1964. It slowly died for a few years and then fell into the abyss after Stairway to Heaven. So, well, you see? We like Chris, but we are addicted to real rock and roll.
Stuart: I'm only addicted to crack.
Peter: I'm not addicted to anything... Oh wait, does heroin count?
John: I agree with Tornado Boy. We like stuff like Vertigo, U2, Keane. But our influences span decades. We just finished working out a little tune called Sweetness and Light which we all admitted relied heavily on the spirit of Good Day Sunshine, even though the tune is quite different. Some songs just put you in a certain place in your head. The more mysterious the place... check that. When a song doesn't take you by the hand and lead you to a place but you get there anyway because of the mood it creates, I believe that is art. A perfect example is Strawberry Fields Forever. The first time I heard that song the last thing I thought of was a literal field of strawberries... understand? And then you find out years later that Strawberry Fields was an orphanage that John was placed in for a short time. That's when the epiphany about the music happens, not when you are listening to it necessarily, but when you have the "aha" moment.
David: I had an "aha" moment this morning in the loo.
Stuart: We heard.
Peter: And smelled.
Mike: A year ago you were all sittin' in a Texas bar having your little reunion. Was it even possible to imagine this day?
Peter: John played that first song and we knew. Not so much that we would be famous or rich but we knew that we were going to try again and regardless of the audience size there was going to be some good music created.
Stuart: It was a singular magic moment. Some songs are like this: When you hear the first refrain you already know the last note. It's not that you have heard it before, or that it's simplistic necessarily, it's just that it was in the ether floating around already and waiting for the right musician to reveal it. When he sings it people finally hear what they have felt all along. You can hear the end at the beginning. That's what we all hear when John plays us a new song, the beginning, middle, and end.
David: Yeah, we heard the end of rock and roll a year ago, 40 years too late!
Peter: And the end is near...
Stuart: Yo time is up Mikey.
John: We're off to Chicago!
Peter: I'll be happy when we make it over these mountains! Continental Divide here we come!
Mike: Thanks guys. Bon Voyage!
Actual Plane Crash Photo
Maureen's Eulogy
She should have known, the clues were everywhere, and if there was ever anyone capable of reaching out beyond the grave it was David Bonner aka "Tornado Boy". So with the help of his techno-wiz friend Paul, David had one last surprise for his soulmate and BFF, the lovely and talented Maureen...
The strikingly vaulted glass cathedral was filled to capacity. It was a clear and bright morning in sunny Southern California, and the pews were filled with tie-dye t-shirt wearing fans. The first row was reserved for the "family", which was an eclectic bunch indeed. A Navy Seal, a movie star, a couple of cowboys, a grizzled old misty-eyed cook, a gorgeous young lady and her young daughter, and Maureen's husband Troy.
Maureen was ready... She looked out over the thousand or so attendees, then finally focused on her tribe in the front row. She looked at each of them, forcing a smile through a quivering countenance, and eyes welling with tears... "I loved David Bonner... Most of you are here because you are fans of his music. If you knew him like I knew him, you would be here because he was mahatma, a great soul..."
Paul the Seal cringed, Maureen was already getting carried away with the canonization crap, and he knew that his friend David would have wanted him to put a stop that. David was no saint. Paul reached into his pocket and pushed a button on a small device, which caused the casket behind Maureen to shake violently. She quickly wheeled away from the podium and unsuccessly tried to muffle a girlish squeal with her left hand.
The commotion was so violent everyone in the church had heard it. Maureen stood clutching at her chest and staring at the surprising, suddenly active sarcophagus. From the crowd she could hear gasps and murmurs of disbelief. The ceremony was temporarliy at a standstill...
Paul was just getting started though. From inside the casket a voice emerged, perfectly amplified, and perfectly inappropriate for the moment. It's exactly what David would have wanted...
"Hey! What's a guy gotta do to get a chest compression around here!"
The ventriloquist routine was non-stop with quips and sounds and vibrations. Despite being constantly interupted, Maureen held it together for most of the rest of the ceremony, sometimes ignoring, and sometimes laughing with the crowd at the inanity emanating from the plain pine box. But when the sound of potato chips crunching started, she literally rolled on the ground clutching her side and howled with laughter. She wasn't the only one...
"The cacophonus sarcophagus"
X
Crash site location marked with X. Nearest cryo-biolgist estimated to be 1,234 miles away.
X
No crash has occurred here that we are aware of.
X
Pretty sure nothing happened here either.
The Horrible News Halftime Report
hannahbear815: How much fun was that?
pathfinder762: As Sandy Squirrel would say, "Almost some."
hannahbear815: Almost none...
pathfinder762: Awww come on! That bit about the talking coffin was funny stuff.
hannahbear815: Compared to what? Emo Philips? People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you." Now that's funny.
pathfinder762: People come to me and say... "Hey, do people really come up to Emo?" Ok, NOT as funny as Emo... I keep forgetting.. Are we still in character?
hannahbear815: No silly, this is the revenue portion of the project. Sell something.
pathfinder762: Oh, right. Okay, My favorite T-shirt is- I made a Zonk Rich
hannahbear815: Yeah, how many T's did you buy? 20?
pathfinder762: depends on how funny you want me to be right now.. 30, 40
hannahbear815: You had better be real funny, people are watching...
pathfinder762: Well okay then! let's play Punchline Emo... "My girlfriend called me a pervert last night..." Punchline please!
hannahbear815: "I told her that's a big word for a nine year old!"
pathfinder762: Was that funny enough?
hannahbear815: yep, ten would have been too old.
pathfinder762: That Emo, what a joker. And I know he must be thrilled to be associated with this lunacy. I smell a lawsuit.
hannahbear815: He'll have to get in line like everyone else!
pathfinder762: Uh... did we get permission to reprint this?
hannahbear815: Nope.
pathfinder762: Say G'night Gracie.
hannahbear815: G'night Gracie!
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Cryotech Inc.
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No permission obtained to reprint this photo, of course
We were strictly forbidden to reprint this photo, twice
lawsuit pending
being appealed
permission to reprint utterly forbidden
Long live the zOnks!
